Not Happy

August 18, 2008

11:52 PM

It's been a goal of mine to one day start my own company that rivals the search giants. I plan to go at it from the side - use my research to provide a different capability, rather than beat them at their own game. (Realistically, I can't out machine 'em, so I gotta out think 'em!) If my dream ever becomes a reality, at least I'll know how to fail at customer service. Here's a handy guide in case anyone else is ever interested.

Step 1: Offer a special promo deal to a customer.

Step 2: Charge customer regular (non promo) rate instead. Don't warn customer about not following through with the deal. Instead, let them see a bill for three times more than they were expecting

Step 3: When customer calls irate about the bill, tell customer to call back during normal business hours (relative to a different time zone!)

Step 4: When customer calls back, explain deal was expired and so shouldn't have been offered in the first place, so they're just going to have to suck it up and pay the extra amount.

Step 5: When customer cancels account several months later, call them early Saturday morning to ask why

Step 6: Fail to remove charge for month that hasn't happened yet from bill.

I should have expected that I'd have to call again and ask them to remove the charge for August since I canceled on August 3rd and they billed me for all of August on August 4th. In theory, they're supposed to prorate the "unused" days from the bill once they record in their system they've received their equipment. Of course, I returned it first thing Tuesday (the 4th) morning. I should have realized something was up when the sales associate was very insistent I not lose the receipt. Good thing I haven't! Alas, it'll have to wait until Monday for me to take care of it. Even though it's a nominal amount, I'm too aggravated to let it slide.

And while we're on the subject of poor customer service, it's also not cool to mark a voice message as "urgent" when you're just calling to return an estimate. It's especially not cool to mark it urgent when it's the first message you're leaving, or when I have a week to decide my interest level. "Urgent" makes my phone chirp constantly until I return from my meeting, annoying everyone within ear shot. If you don't need to know a blood type, you can wait for me to return a call.

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