April 7, 2015

Back to Work

Tomorrow I return to work after a very generous, very long maternity leave. I should be ready.

I have had an easier time recovering from delivery this pregnancy than from my first time around. I felt like my normal self, physically anyway, within a few days. The first time around I took longer to heal. I was still feeling the after affects of giving birth ten weeks later, when what semblance I had of maternity leave as a grad student was over.

You would think I would be ready. I most definitely am not.

I could not even work up the courage to do a daycare trial run, where I drop her off at daycare while still on maternity leave for just a few hours to ease her into it. I wanted to soak up every possible moment of baby time. With Nicole I was able to stay home part time and have just mommy-Nicole time. I feel extraordinarily guilty that Alexis will not get that time, despite having a much longer initial maternity leave.

I thought daycare would be easier the second time around. It is most definitly not.

I am getting misty eyed just thinking about handing my baby over to someone else to care for during the day. Rationally I know I’m being crazy. Daycare has been a boon for us. Even at a young age Nicole got a tremendous amount out of daycare, and I know Alexis will to. This is a good thing. But I am not ready.

I think the resistance I’m feeling stems from the fact that there is a good chance Alexis will be our last. Where transitioning to the next phase. It’s one step closer to end of babyhood. I’m not ready. I haven’t even gotten enough of my newborn fix. I feel like I forgot to take in the newborn smell. I’m also not quite where I want to be in terms of crib sleep, or even establishing nursing, and I worry that we’ll lose all the wonderful progress we’ve made.

I blame hormones. I can still use that as an excuse, right? Until they’re eighteen?

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