July 21, 2015

Timeline of a Baby Nap

0:00 – Place drowsy, but just barely conscious baby down in the crib. The goal: a two hour nap. The booby prize: a single sleep cycle.

Clock begins.

0:01 – Baby eyes flutter open. Head begins to rise off of mattresses. Hastily grab the nearest binki and insert it into baby mouth. Careful not to jab it in the eye! Baby head drops back down with a thud. Baby eyes are closed.

0:05 – Time to make the get away. Remember to avoid the squeaky floor board.

0:06 – %$&! Stepped on squeaky floor board.

0:16 – Haven’t moved. No sounds from the crib. Slowly arch neck to get a better view. Baby appears motionless. Possibly dead. Better not check. Continue to exit.

0:18 – Shut the door as slowly as humanly possible to avoid making a single sound.

1:00 – Door finally shut. Tip toe down stairs.

1:15 – Time for that bathroom break you’ve been pretending you didn’t need for the past hour. Also food. Definitely food.

Consume anything that can be eaten in it’s current state. Do not open chip bags, pop soda cans, or wrinkle wrappers. Opening the refrigerator door can be risky. Fruit is a good choice. Chocolate is a better choice. Remind self to buy more chocolate.

3:00 – Baby is still asleep. To nap or not to nap? Shower or not to shower? Better wait out the sleep cycle. Check mail.

10:00 – Hear a dull buzzing noise. The neighbor is mowing the lawn. Silently curse neighbor for making noise. The rational part of your brain that realizes it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to mow their own lawn in the middle of the day is too busy thinking about another piece of Chocolate to help you see this.

15:00 – Tummy still grumbling. Time to chance it and make a sandwich.

17:00 – Still no sounds from upstairs. Start daydreaming about napping. Open up laptop, start tinkering on the internet.

45:00 – Suddenly realize you’re past a sleep cycle! Do a little jig on the inside! On the inside! DO NOT MAKE NOISE! Head upstairs to nap yourself.

55:00 – Baby’s awake.

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