September 9, 2017

In Twos, not Threes

I am full of Mommy guilt lately.

Ever since giving birth to Nicole there was a part of me that thought about being a mom of three one day. I loved being a parent. I loved all things baby and pregnancy related. But we weren’t sure it would work out for us. California is expensive. Age is a factor. Careers are a factor. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you envision. I didn’t let that stop me from daydreaming.

After Alexis was born we struggled to find a house and move out of our tiny apartment. Being on top of each other was stressful. Long commutes were stressful. Bay area housing was stressful. We decided the best course of action for family happiness was to move closer to Domingo’s work and give me the chance to do my own startup that I always envisioned. Another child didn’t feel compatible with all that. I thought our family was likely complete.

We gave away baby clothes and gear. We bought toys for the girls in pairs; princess shoes, dolls, matching outfits. (I never thought I’d be a matchy-matchy mom, but the girls insist on wearing the same clothes.)

Now that we’re about to add another child to the mix, especially another daughter, I’m starting to feel a tremendous amount of guilt that we don’t have these things in threes. Nicole and Alexis currently share a big girl room. They got to spend time together at recess in preschool, being just two and a half years apart. Nicole and Alexis are close in a way that’s hard to envision Z3 will ever be with either of her older siblings.

Z3 will be three years younger than Alexis, and will still in the toddler room when Alexis is ready to start school. They’ll never get recess together, never share a ride in the tandem bike. The girls will likely be ready to have their own rooms again, just as Z3 will be old enough to share a room. Nicole and Alexis have gotten fancy dress-up photos taken together. It was arranged through their preschool, so even if the preschool does it again while Z3 and Alexis are attending, Nicole will be the one left out.

Fairness is very important to me, even though I realize fairness for fairness sake is neither practical nor, well, fair.

My mom keeps reminding me that it’s ok for the girls to all have different relationships with each other. Different does not mean lesser. They are different people with different personalities and needs, and having different pairs o relationships are to be expected.

Perhaps the best way to cultivate each pair of relationships is to be sure each pair gets to spend quality time together, much like the Mommy & me days. In fact, when Mommy is giving one of the girls undivided individual attention, it may be the perfect time for Daddy to arrange for something fun for just the other two.

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